The Best Defense is a Good Offense: Squirrel Defense Tatics

Greetings, civilians. 


As you know, I haven't posted any updates regarding the Squirrel Agenda lately, that's because I've had to go underground for a while.  After my last post those little bastards caught wind of me and sent a Black Squirrel Extermination Squad after me.  Remember those guys....

I believe they've recently called off the hunt, so for now, it's safe to continue my anti-Squirrel agenda.

I realized lately that if mankind is to survive, they must know what I know.  They must know how to defend themselves against the furry oppressors.  What I'm about to share with you is information that has been declassified by NORM(Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood) officials.  Prepare for a crash course in Squirrel Defense Tatics.

Know Your Enemy:

This is key to winning any battle.  You must learn to get in you opponents head.  Learn what they know, predict their every movement.  Know their strengths and weaknesses.  The Squirrels are small, but quick and wiry.  Using your size as an advantage sounds like an ideal strategy, but they've long since learned how to bring down a larger foe.  A well trained squad of five can bring down a bull elephant in seconds. 

Train Your Mind and Body
You must remain limber and train your reflexes to their peak.  They're quick so you must be quicker.  Also, Squirrels mostly fight in groups.  Separating them and taking them on individually is crucial.  Ground tactics are your best chance at defeating them hand-to-hand.  I know, gong down to their level sounds like suicide, but really, what the fuck is a high kick gonna do against a 2 ft tall rodent? 

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has proven very effective against the squirrels, as their ridiculous skeletal make-up has proven ineffective against countering grappling maneuvers. Back in 1925, the legendary Helio Gracie once managed to bring down an attacking Black Squirrel using his patent system.  His tale is still told to day as an inspiration to all NORM agents.

Above all else, the most important thing to remember when facing off against the squirrels is, NEVER SHOW FEAR.  These little evil bastards feed on it, down give them that fuel.  If you show fear for your life, you wll surely be killed.  Turn that fear against them, channel it into rage, and show those furry fucks no mercy.

Anti-Squirrel Weaponry 
Fighting  squirrels hand-to-hand should be used as a last resort.  When those furry tyrants attack, your best bet is to pick up a weapon.  I've already shared he tale of George Washington Carver and his deadly peanut-based weapon "The Bussiness".  This weapon has led to the death of more squirrels than one can possbly imagined, unfortunately said weapon was destroyed in great battle coined "Gettysburg 2: Electric Boogaloo" in 1986.  Since then, NORM has experimented with various weaponry to find which is the most effective against the Squirrel Armada.  Here are but a few...

THE ROPE DART

It's light, flexible design s the perfect thing to match the squirrels maneuverability.

Shaolin Spikes

Perfect for close-quarters combat.  Sleek, deadly, and can pierce through their furry asses with ease.

LEAF BLOWER

  I know, it's pretty much harmless....until you fill it shrapnel and thumbtacks.  Now we're talking.

And finally...the most effective Squirrel-killing weapon...

OLD COOTS!

No weapon on Earth has proven more effective at exterminating enemy Squirrels than a crazy old coot on his porch with a shotgun.  A Squirrels natural enemy, they often flee on sight of these senile old killing machines.  To face them would mean suicide.  If you find yourself facing an attacking force of Squirrels, your best bet is to call up your crazy old Grandpa...and tell him to bring his rifle.

Well, I hope this helps.  I must sign off for now, don't want them tracking me again.  Until next time troops, show no fear, show no mercy.

Not the End

My thoughts on the Lost finale

I've had a few weeks to let everything that went down set in, and now I'm ready to express my true feelings about the Lost finale, as well as the series as a whole..........


Gilligan's Island was better.



Not the End

Style

Happy June peoples.  I'm finally getting back to y blog because I've had something on my mind for a long time now.

It's really been bugging me how much people misuse the word "style".  I'm someone who likes to draw, and I hope to do that for a living, and it's always cool to meet someone else who likes to draw as well.  But I can't count how many times I look at other people's work and it's mainly copied anime, and in a few occasions Jhoenn Vasquez, and yet they describe it as "their style", thinking they're adding a unique perspective.

Well I'm here to say...YOU'RE NOT.


The word "style" is used nowadays to mask a sever lack of talent and originality.  Just because you draw something doesn't instantly make that your style.  To truly create a style is not easy.  You have to know all the fundamental skills of drawing and be able to blend them with your own visual perspective, creating something that stans out from everything else.  John K. has a very butch and exaggerated way of drawing with a strong 1950s-60s sensibility to it.  Genndy Tartakovsky uses simple shape construction an unique color blends to give his wok a very cinematic feel.  Bill Plympton, Bruce Timm (By the way, sorry to use so many animation examples but that's the field I'm more familiar with), you would never confuse their drawings with others because they've forged their own styles.  Whenever someone shows me their artwork, I'm always put off on how it just looks the same.  I don't see their mentality, their creativity, their vision, all I get from their stuff is..."I like Bleach and Dragon Ball, I'm just gonna do that".  Which is fine, I'm not saying that's wrong, if that's what you're good at, do it, just don't start passing it off as your style.  That's you're PREFERRED styl, but not yours.

I also hate how style is thrown around to defend shit.  As much as I love Adult Swim, 95%of their original programming is pure crap in terms of quality, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies aren't examples of style, they're examples of lazy people with Photoshop and a 20 dollar budget.  I look at comic books and I rarely take note of the artist because a lot of it tends to look the same.  To all artists out there, if you haven't learned the basic skills, stop what you're doing and go learn them.  It's sad that you rarely see true originality anymore, something that makes you take note of that artist, and from the stuff I've seen from fellow students, that doesn't look like it's gonna change.  Do I myself have a style, no.  I'm still trying to master the technical aspects and at the same time trying to establish my own outlook on life, rather than just borrowing someone elses.  It's extremely difficult, but the end result is rewarding.

If all you can do is draw anime, that's fine, hopefully you'll find a career drawing manga or something like that, but please, please,stop calling it your "style", otherwise I'll face punch you.


Not the End

Back to the Well

Wow, it's been way over a month since I've spewed my anti-squirrel agenda.  Obvious I have some work to do.

I always knew when I started this blog that there would come a point were I just didn't have the initiative to post anymore.  Well, that point hasn't come yet.  The truth is, I'm lazy deal with it.  Sometimes I just don't feel like writing long articles, but that doesn't mean I've given up on this blog. 

I've got a lot of crazy ideas that I feel I should express here before they manifest themselves into murderous tendencies that I take out upon the unsuspecting world.  It just takes me a while to get up the will to type them up, but I will. 

I still want to finish my Batman TAS retrospective, and I plan to talk about my recent fixation on the Power Rangers really soon.  I also plan on doing more lists (like favorite comic characters, favorite cartoons, the top 5 reasons why Heroes can rot in hell, etc).  And don't think I've forgotten about those furry bastards, the squirrels.  I've uncovered new and shocking information about their impending ivasion that will blow your freakin mind.

So stay tuned kids, I'll be back, not better than ever, but more or less the same.


Not the End

Tommy Tucker: Fashion Icon, Covert Insurgent

A friend of mine recently brought THIS to my attention.

This is a very brief article about Tommy Tucker.  For those of you that are uninformed, Tommy Tucker was a....squirrel...who was adopted by a woman in Washington DC in the 1940's.  He was considered part of the family and taken around town dressed up in cute little outfits.

This article disgusts me!  Not only does it paint Tucker as a cute little woodland critter, but it completely glosses over his true history.

Tommy, or as he's really known Juan Marquez Esperano, was one of the greatest insurgents in the Squirrel Armada.  He was like a Chameleon(who are pretty shifty themselves), he could assimilate into any environment and you wouldn't know he was an enemy till it was too late.  He was ruthless, never made attachments, there was something about him that made you trust him, and he used that fully to his advantage.

The woman who adopted Tommy had unwittingly played into the Squirrels grand scheem.  For years the fashion world of the humans had been a mystery to the Squirrel Armada, and they longed to harness it's power and influence.  They needed it's secrets and Tommy was deployed into Washington DC in an attempt to infiltrate the fashion world.  Now, why Washington DC and not somewhere like Paris.  Paris would have been too obvious, they needed to play this carefully.  And at the time growing tension with the Red Squirrels made this difficult.

Normally if anyone tried to dress Tommy up in cute little outfits, he'd slit their throats and wear their skin as pants, but for the good of the mission, he threw dignity out the window and went along with it.  In doing show, Tommy became a hit.  His new status as a fashion icon allowed him access into the mysterious world the squirrels had long sought to discover.  He worked his way into the hierarchy of the French fashion world.  Here he learned the secrets of design and flare.  With this new information, he returned to the Armada and shared it with his brethren.  Now having the information they needed, the Alpha Marmots deployed a squadron of Black Squirrels, who proceeded to silently slaughter every famous Fashion designer in the Paris.  They were soon replaced with mechanical duplicates piloted by Grey Squirrels who now had full grasp of human fashion.

Sad to say that because of Tommy/Juan's actions, the Squirrels now control 64% of the fashion industry today.  And as for the kind woman who took Tommy in, well, as a thank you for the hospitality he personally snapped her neck as she slept.  She never felt a thing, and neither did he.  Damn you Tommy Tucker.  Damn you to Hell.

Not the End

The Squirrel Dossier

The squirrels are a numerous race.  Those little Hitlers come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and it's important to be able to tell one from the other, a failure to do that could result in us losing this centuries-old war.  Through painstaking methods and a loss of several young interns, I, along with other members of NORM (Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood), have compiled a complete dossier on the different types of squirrels.  What they look like, their strengths, etc.  Below is a sample of what we know, I can't risk putting it all online, they have eyes and ears here too.

EASTERN GREY: These are one of the most common types.  They're mostly stationed in the US, but several battalions have branched out to Britain and Ireland, displacing the Reds (who we'll get to in a minute).  The Grey Squirrels are "scatter-hoarders".  Meaning they scatter through human cities and towns, kill without mercy, and take any goods they can get their evil little paws on.  The Greys are excellent trackers and survival specialists.  They can survive even behind enemy lines with ease in order to complete their missions.  These squirrels tend to nest in high trees, couple this with their proficient marksmanship makes them effective snipers.  The Greys fuck like jack rabbits, breeding multiple times a year, making their numbers grand.  The Greys have sometimes lost parts of their tails while escaping predators, but unbeknown to the predators the Greys have be known to attach micro-explosive devices to their tails, leaving behind an very explosive surprise to their would-be hunters.

EURASIAN RED: The squirrels weren't always united.  During the 1970's the Red Squirrels, who had controlled most of Europe, had attempted a hostile takeover of the Squirrel Armada.  NORM agents at the time attempted to use this civil unrest to strike at the black hearts of the squirrels, but before they could, the Greys had been dispatched to quell the traitorous Reds.  The Reds who wouldn't surrender were executed.  The ones that did were mostly forced underground.  Today, most of the Reds serve as the science officers and engineers.  Few are in the field as they're continuously out-preformed by the physically superior Greys.  There have been rumors of a second Red-uprising, futher investigation is needed.

BLACK: Think of them as the covert-ops or ninjas of the Squirrel Armada.  They have no names.  Their base of operation is unknown.  What is known is that these mother fuckers don't dick around.  Their methods are secretive, and horrible.  If you see one, you may already be dead.  No further information.

This photo was taken by the only known survivor of a Black Squirrel attack

FLYING: You all remember Rocky the Flying Squirrel.  The cute sidekick to Bullwinkle the Moose that captured our hearts as he unwittingly foiled Russian spies?  Yeah him....HE WAS A MURDEROUS BASTARD!  He was never loyal to this country, he was a cold blooded insurgent.  Even Bullwinkle was a lie.  he was nothing more than a mechanized moose-bot piloted by a squirrel, and RED squirrel no less.  The flying squirrels are the terrors of the sky.  The strike only once, and they make sure that nothing is left standing after their assault.  They're an arrogant bunch, and they have the skills to back it up.  They're unique wing wing structure make them highly maneuverable in the air and their appetite for human blood make them highly dangerous.  Contrary to popular belief, these squirrels can actually fly.  The gliding myth was started by them to not raise suspicion.  They love the element of surprise.

ALPINE MARMOT: Or as they're known among the Armada, The Alpha Marmots.  These guys are the heads of the Armada.  As the largest, they dominate over the others.  They call the shots, their word is law.  Also, they're fat shits who haven't seen their dicks in ages, as result, they're often cranky and use the Reds and Greys to do physical work for them.  The Alpha Marmots are at the top of the NORM hit list.  Thaking them down would severely weaken the Armada.  New information dictates the possible existence of a higher group of marmots, the "Grizzled Giants", who really call the shots, but we have little information to confirm or deny those rumors.  

So there you have it, what you basically need to know about these furry fascists.  Remember, this information is very sensitive, so please refrain from.....wait.....oh god how did they get in.......NO......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO........

Not the End

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths review

Let me start off by saying, I did enjoy this movie. The character designs were good, and all those little cameos and easter eggs were just incredible. As an Aquaman-supporter, I was pleased with his role here.

Having said that, this movie was somewhat of a disappointment. It's not a bad movie, but there's just so much wasted potential here. It's got great fight scenes, but that's all it has going for it. There's absolutely no emotional context in the movie. The villains are too bland and stereotypical. Same with the League, none of them are really utilized all that well. They seem like they're just there, not really contributing much of anything. Same with Earth-2 Luthor. He's only useful for the first 5 minutes of the movie, after that, he's unnecessary. Not once are the JLA even remotely interested that there are alternate universe versions of themselves, all they know is they're there, they're there, they have to go fight them. Owlman does make for a great villain, and he and Superwoman were pretty much the two carrying this flick.

The romance between J'onn and Rose Wilson is forced, abrupt, and meaningless. It's like the Spock/Uhurra thing in Star Trek, and equally as pointless. The voice acting also falls mostly flat here. James Woods and Gina Torres were both gold, as was the dude who did Ultraman. Everyone else is pretty much forgettable. The range from bland to abysmal. The animation is also sub-par here, which is extremely disappointing coming from Bruce Timm. It feels way too stiff and flat, even during the fight scenes at times.

Maybe I hyped it up too much in my mind, but whats wrong with that? Wonder Woman, New Frontier, and Green Lantern have all been pretty damn incredible, and to follow it up with this and Superman/Batman is pretty sad. Like I said, it's not a bad movie, just really underwhelming. It works as a dumb action movie, but with a concept like this it should have been more than that. The Justice Lords two parter in the justice League cartoon worked much better, and this movie should have been that, but bigger. It's worth a check out, but don't expect much. I'd rate it a 6 out of 10.

As for the Spectre short, it was FANTASTIC. Leagues better than the main feature. I really hope they do more of these for other lesser known characters like The Doom Patrol, Blue Beetle, and The Outsiders. I'd give that a 10 out of 10.



Not the End