Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Best Defense is a Good Offense: Squirrel Defense Tatics

Greetings, civilians. 

As you know, I haven't posted any updates regarding the Squirrel Agenda lately, that's because I've had to go underground for a while.  After my last post those little bastards caught wind of me and sent a Black Squirrel Extermination Squad after me.  Remember those guys....

I believe they've recently called off the hunt, so for now, it's safe to continue my anti-Squirrel agenda.

I realized lately that if mankind is to survive, they must know what I know.  They must know how to defend themselves against the furry oppressors.  What I'm about to share with you is information that has been declassified by NORM(Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood) officials.  Prepare for a crash course in Squirrel Defense Tatics.

Know Your Enemy:

This is key to winning any battle.  You must learn to get in you opponents head.  Learn what they know, predict their every movement.  Know their strengths and weaknesses.  The Squirrels are small, but quick and wiry.  Using your size as an advantage sounds like an ideal strategy, but they've long since learned how to bring down a larger foe.  A well trained squad of five can bring down a bull elephant in seconds. 

Train Your Mind and Body
You must remain limber and train your reflexes to their peak.  They're quick so you must be quicker.  Also, Squirrels mostly fight in groups.  Separating them and taking them on individually is crucial.  Ground tactics are your best chance at defeating them hand-to-hand.  I know, gong down to their level sounds like suicide, but really, what the fuck is a high kick gonna do against a 2 ft tall rodent? 

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has proven very effective against the squirrels, as their ridiculous skeletal make-up has proven ineffective against countering grappling maneuvers. Back in 1925, the legendary Helio Gracie once managed to bring down an attacking Black Squirrel using his patent system.  His tale is still told to day as an inspiration to all NORM agents.

Above all else, the most important thing to remember when facing off against the squirrels is, NEVER SHOW FEAR.  These little evil bastards feed on it, down give them that fuel.  If you show fear for your life, you wll surely be killed.  Turn that fear against them, channel it into rage, and show those furry fucks no mercy.

Anti-Squirrel Weaponry 
Fighting  squirrels hand-to-hand should be used as a last resort.  When those furry tyrants attack, your best bet is to pick up a weapon.  I've already shared he tale of George Washington Carver and his deadly peanut-based weapon "The Bussiness".  This weapon has led to the death of more squirrels than one can possbly imagined, unfortunately said weapon was destroyed in great battle coined "Gettysburg 2: Electric Boogaloo" in 1986.  Since then, NORM has experimented with various weaponry to find which is the most effective against the Squirrel Armada.  Here are but a few...


It's light, flexible design s the perfect thing to match the squirrels maneuverability.

Shaolin Spikes

Perfect for close-quarters combat.  Sleek, deadly, and can pierce through their furry asses with ease.

  I know, it's pretty much harmless....until you fill it shrapnel and thumbtacks.  Now we're talking.

And finally...the most effective Squirrel-killing weapon...


No weapon on Earth has proven more effective at exterminating enemy Squirrels than a crazy old coot on his porch with a shotgun.  A Squirrels natural enemy, they often flee on sight of these senile old killing machines.  To face them would mean suicide.  If you find yourself facing an attacking force of Squirrels, your best bet is to call up your crazy old Grandpa...and tell him to bring his rifle.

Well, I hope this helps.  I must sign off for now, don't want them tracking me again.  Until next time troops, show no fear, show no mercy.

Not the End

No comments:

Post a Comment