Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Best Defense is a Good Offense: Squirrel Defense Tatics

Greetings, civilians. 

As you know, I haven't posted any updates regarding the Squirrel Agenda lately, that's because I've had to go underground for a while.  After my last post those little bastards caught wind of me and sent a Black Squirrel Extermination Squad after me.  Remember those guys....

I believe they've recently called off the hunt, so for now, it's safe to continue my anti-Squirrel agenda.

I realized lately that if mankind is to survive, they must know what I know.  They must know how to defend themselves against the furry oppressors.  What I'm about to share with you is information that has been declassified by NORM(Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood) officials.  Prepare for a crash course in Squirrel Defense Tatics.

Know Your Enemy:

This is key to winning any battle.  You must learn to get in you opponents head.  Learn what they know, predict their every movement.  Know their strengths and weaknesses.  The Squirrels are small, but quick and wiry.  Using your size as an advantage sounds like an ideal strategy, but they've long since learned how to bring down a larger foe.  A well trained squad of five can bring down a bull elephant in seconds. 

Train Your Mind and Body
You must remain limber and train your reflexes to their peak.  They're quick so you must be quicker.  Also, Squirrels mostly fight in groups.  Separating them and taking them on individually is crucial.  Ground tactics are your best chance at defeating them hand-to-hand.  I know, gong down to their level sounds like suicide, but really, what the fuck is a high kick gonna do against a 2 ft tall rodent? 

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has proven very effective against the squirrels, as their ridiculous skeletal make-up has proven ineffective against countering grappling maneuvers. Back in 1925, the legendary Helio Gracie once managed to bring down an attacking Black Squirrel using his patent system.  His tale is still told to day as an inspiration to all NORM agents.

Above all else, the most important thing to remember when facing off against the squirrels is, NEVER SHOW FEAR.  These little evil bastards feed on it, down give them that fuel.  If you show fear for your life, you wll surely be killed.  Turn that fear against them, channel it into rage, and show those furry fucks no mercy.

Anti-Squirrel Weaponry 
Fighting  squirrels hand-to-hand should be used as a last resort.  When those furry tyrants attack, your best bet is to pick up a weapon.  I've already shared he tale of George Washington Carver and his deadly peanut-based weapon "The Bussiness".  This weapon has led to the death of more squirrels than one can possbly imagined, unfortunately said weapon was destroyed in great battle coined "Gettysburg 2: Electric Boogaloo" in 1986.  Since then, NORM has experimented with various weaponry to find which is the most effective against the Squirrel Armada.  Here are but a few...


It's light, flexible design s the perfect thing to match the squirrels maneuverability.

Shaolin Spikes

Perfect for close-quarters combat.  Sleek, deadly, and can pierce through their furry asses with ease.

  I know, it's pretty much harmless....until you fill it shrapnel and thumbtacks.  Now we're talking.

And finally...the most effective Squirrel-killing weapon...


No weapon on Earth has proven more effective at exterminating enemy Squirrels than a crazy old coot on his porch with a shotgun.  A Squirrels natural enemy, they often flee on sight of these senile old killing machines.  To face them would mean suicide.  If you find yourself facing an attacking force of Squirrels, your best bet is to call up your crazy old Grandpa...and tell him to bring his rifle.

Well, I hope this helps.  I must sign off for now, don't want them tracking me again.  Until next time troops, show no fear, show no mercy.

Not the End

Sunday, June 6, 2010

My thoughts on the Lost finale

I've had a few weeks to let everything that went down set in, and now I'm ready to express my true feelings about the Lost finale, as well as the series as a whole..........

Gilligan's Island was better.

Not the End

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Happy June peoples.  I'm finally getting back to y blog because I've had something on my mind for a long time now.

It's really been bugging me how much people misuse the word "style".  I'm someone who likes to draw, and I hope to do that for a living, and it's always cool to meet someone else who likes to draw as well.  But I can't count how many times I look at other people's work and it's mainly copied anime, and in a few occasions Jhoenn Vasquez, and yet they describe it as "their style", thinking they're adding a unique perspective.

Well I'm here to say...YOU'RE NOT.

The word "style" is used nowadays to mask a sever lack of talent and originality.  Just because you draw something doesn't instantly make that your style.  To truly create a style is not easy.  You have to know all the fundamental skills of drawing and be able to blend them with your own visual perspective, creating something that stans out from everything else.  John K. has a very butch and exaggerated way of drawing with a strong 1950s-60s sensibility to it.  Genndy Tartakovsky uses simple shape construction an unique color blends to give his wok a very cinematic feel.  Bill Plympton, Bruce Timm (By the way, sorry to use so many animation examples but that's the field I'm more familiar with), you would never confuse their drawings with others because they've forged their own styles.  Whenever someone shows me their artwork, I'm always put off on how it just looks the same.  I don't see their mentality, their creativity, their vision, all I get from their stuff is..."I like Bleach and Dragon Ball, I'm just gonna do that".  Which is fine, I'm not saying that's wrong, if that's what you're good at, do it, just don't start passing it off as your style.  That's you're PREFERRED styl, but not yours.

I also hate how style is thrown around to defend shit.  As much as I love Adult Swim, 95%of their original programming is pure crap in terms of quality, Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies aren't examples of style, they're examples of lazy people with Photoshop and a 20 dollar budget.  I look at comic books and I rarely take note of the artist because a lot of it tends to look the same.  To all artists out there, if you haven't learned the basic skills, stop what you're doing and go learn them.  It's sad that you rarely see true originality anymore, something that makes you take note of that artist, and from the stuff I've seen from fellow students, that doesn't look like it's gonna change.  Do I myself have a style, no.  I'm still trying to master the technical aspects and at the same time trying to establish my own outlook on life, rather than just borrowing someone elses.  It's extremely difficult, but the end result is rewarding.

If all you can do is draw anime, that's fine, hopefully you'll find a career drawing manga or something like that, but please, please,stop calling it your "style", otherwise I'll face punch you.

Not the End

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Back to the Well

Wow, it's been way over a month since I've spewed my anti-squirrel agenda.  Obvious I have some work to do.

I always knew when I started this blog that there would come a point were I just didn't have the initiative to post anymore.  Well, that point hasn't come yet.  The truth is, I'm lazy deal with it.  Sometimes I just don't feel like writing long articles, but that doesn't mean I've given up on this blog. 

I've got a lot of crazy ideas that I feel I should express here before they manifest themselves into murderous tendencies that I take out upon the unsuspecting world.  It just takes me a while to get up the will to type them up, but I will. 

I still want to finish my Batman TAS retrospective, and I plan to talk about my recent fixation on the Power Rangers really soon.  I also plan on doing more lists (like favorite comic characters, favorite cartoons, the top 5 reasons why Heroes can rot in hell, etc).  And don't think I've forgotten about those furry bastards, the squirrels.  I've uncovered new and shocking information about their impending ivasion that will blow your freakin mind.

So stay tuned kids, I'll be back, not better than ever, but more or less the same.

Not the End

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tommy Tucker: Fashion Icon, Covert Insurgent

A friend of mine recently brought THIS to my attention.

This is a very brief article about Tommy Tucker.  For those of you that are uninformed, Tommy Tucker was a....squirrel...who was adopted by a woman in Washington DC in the 1940's.  He was considered part of the family and taken around town dressed up in cute little outfits.

This article disgusts me!  Not only does it paint Tucker as a cute little woodland critter, but it completely glosses over his true history.

Tommy, or as he's really known Juan Marquez Esperano, was one of the greatest insurgents in the Squirrel Armada.  He was like a Chameleon(who are pretty shifty themselves), he could assimilate into any environment and you wouldn't know he was an enemy till it was too late.  He was ruthless, never made attachments, there was something about him that made you trust him, and he used that fully to his advantage.

The woman who adopted Tommy had unwittingly played into the Squirrels grand scheem.  For years the fashion world of the humans had been a mystery to the Squirrel Armada, and they longed to harness it's power and influence.  They needed it's secrets and Tommy was deployed into Washington DC in an attempt to infiltrate the fashion world.  Now, why Washington DC and not somewhere like Paris.  Paris would have been too obvious, they needed to play this carefully.  And at the time growing tension with the Red Squirrels made this difficult.

Normally if anyone tried to dress Tommy up in cute little outfits, he'd slit their throats and wear their skin as pants, but for the good of the mission, he threw dignity out the window and went along with it.  In doing show, Tommy became a hit.  His new status as a fashion icon allowed him access into the mysterious world the squirrels had long sought to discover.  He worked his way into the hierarchy of the French fashion world.  Here he learned the secrets of design and flare.  With this new information, he returned to the Armada and shared it with his brethren.  Now having the information they needed, the Alpha Marmots deployed a squadron of Black Squirrels, who proceeded to silently slaughter every famous Fashion designer in the Paris.  They were soon replaced with mechanical duplicates piloted by Grey Squirrels who now had full grasp of human fashion.

Sad to say that because of Tommy/Juan's actions, the Squirrels now control 64% of the fashion industry today.  And as for the kind woman who took Tommy in, well, as a thank you for the hospitality he personally snapped her neck as she slept.  She never felt a thing, and neither did he.  Damn you Tommy Tucker.  Damn you to Hell.

Not the End

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Squirrel Dossier

The squirrels are a numerous race.  Those little Hitlers come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and it's important to be able to tell one from the other, a failure to do that could result in us losing this centuries-old war.  Through painstaking methods and a loss of several young interns, I, along with other members of NORM (Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood), have compiled a complete dossier on the different types of squirrels.  What they look like, their strengths, etc.  Below is a sample of what we know, I can't risk putting it all online, they have eyes and ears here too.

EASTERN GREY: These are one of the most common types.  They're mostly stationed in the US, but several battalions have branched out to Britain and Ireland, displacing the Reds (who we'll get to in a minute).  The Grey Squirrels are "scatter-hoarders".  Meaning they scatter through human cities and towns, kill without mercy, and take any goods they can get their evil little paws on.  The Greys are excellent trackers and survival specialists.  They can survive even behind enemy lines with ease in order to complete their missions.  These squirrels tend to nest in high trees, couple this with their proficient marksmanship makes them effective snipers.  The Greys fuck like jack rabbits, breeding multiple times a year, making their numbers grand.  The Greys have sometimes lost parts of their tails while escaping predators, but unbeknown to the predators the Greys have be known to attach micro-explosive devices to their tails, leaving behind an very explosive surprise to their would-be hunters.

EURASIAN RED: The squirrels weren't always united.  During the 1970's the Red Squirrels, who had controlled most of Europe, had attempted a hostile takeover of the Squirrel Armada.  NORM agents at the time attempted to use this civil unrest to strike at the black hearts of the squirrels, but before they could, the Greys had been dispatched to quell the traitorous Reds.  The Reds who wouldn't surrender were executed.  The ones that did were mostly forced underground.  Today, most of the Reds serve as the science officers and engineers.  Few are in the field as they're continuously out-preformed by the physically superior Greys.  There have been rumors of a second Red-uprising, futher investigation is needed.

BLACK: Think of them as the covert-ops or ninjas of the Squirrel Armada.  They have no names.  Their base of operation is unknown.  What is known is that these mother fuckers don't dick around.  Their methods are secretive, and horrible.  If you see one, you may already be dead.  No further information.

This photo was taken by the only known survivor of a Black Squirrel attack

FLYING: You all remember Rocky the Flying Squirrel.  The cute sidekick to Bullwinkle the Moose that captured our hearts as he unwittingly foiled Russian spies?  Yeah him....HE WAS A MURDEROUS BASTARD!  He was never loyal to this country, he was a cold blooded insurgent.  Even Bullwinkle was a lie.  he was nothing more than a mechanized moose-bot piloted by a squirrel, and RED squirrel no less.  The flying squirrels are the terrors of the sky.  The strike only once, and they make sure that nothing is left standing after their assault.  They're an arrogant bunch, and they have the skills to back it up.  They're unique wing wing structure make them highly maneuverable in the air and their appetite for human blood make them highly dangerous.  Contrary to popular belief, these squirrels can actually fly.  The gliding myth was started by them to not raise suspicion.  They love the element of surprise.

ALPINE MARMOT: Or as they're known among the Armada, The Alpha Marmots.  These guys are the heads of the Armada.  As the largest, they dominate over the others.  They call the shots, their word is law.  Also, they're fat shits who haven't seen their dicks in ages, as result, they're often cranky and use the Reds and Greys to do physical work for them.  The Alpha Marmots are at the top of the NORM hit list.  Thaking them down would severely weaken the Armada.  New information dictates the possible existence of a higher group of marmots, the "Grizzled Giants", who really call the shots, but we have little information to confirm or deny those rumors.  

So there you have it, what you basically need to know about these furry fascists.  Remember, this information is very sensitive, so please refrain from.....wait.....oh god how did they get in.......NO......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO........

Not the End

Friday, March 5, 2010

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths review

Let me start off by saying, I did enjoy this movie. The character designs were good, and all those little cameos and easter eggs were just incredible. As an Aquaman-supporter, I was pleased with his role here.

Having said that, this movie was somewhat of a disappointment. It's not a bad movie, but there's just so much wasted potential here. It's got great fight scenes, but that's all it has going for it. There's absolutely no emotional context in the movie. The villains are too bland and stereotypical. Same with the League, none of them are really utilized all that well. They seem like they're just there, not really contributing much of anything. Same with Earth-2 Luthor. He's only useful for the first 5 minutes of the movie, after that, he's unnecessary. Not once are the JLA even remotely interested that there are alternate universe versions of themselves, all they know is they're there, they're there, they have to go fight them. Owlman does make for a great villain, and he and Superwoman were pretty much the two carrying this flick.

The romance between J'onn and Rose Wilson is forced, abrupt, and meaningless. It's like the Spock/Uhurra thing in Star Trek, and equally as pointless. The voice acting also falls mostly flat here. James Woods and Gina Torres were both gold, as was the dude who did Ultraman. Everyone else is pretty much forgettable. The range from bland to abysmal. The animation is also sub-par here, which is extremely disappointing coming from Bruce Timm. It feels way too stiff and flat, even during the fight scenes at times.

Maybe I hyped it up too much in my mind, but whats wrong with that? Wonder Woman, New Frontier, and Green Lantern have all been pretty damn incredible, and to follow it up with this and Superman/Batman is pretty sad. Like I said, it's not a bad movie, just really underwhelming. It works as a dumb action movie, but with a concept like this it should have been more than that. The Justice Lords two parter in the justice League cartoon worked much better, and this movie should have been that, but bigger. It's worth a check out, but don't expect much. I'd rate it a 6 out of 10.

As for the Spectre short, it was FANTASTIC. Leagues better than the main feature. I really hope they do more of these for other lesser known characters like The Doom Patrol, Blue Beetle, and The Outsiders. I'd give that a 10 out of 10.

Not the End

Monday, February 15, 2010

It's Worse Than I Thought!


I must rally the troops.  I suggest you all commence shitting your pants.

Not the End

Friday, February 12, 2010

Colin Hill vs Colin Hill: The Unbelieveable Battle

So last night I, and a few other members of the Skype Club 4 Men, were Googling ourselves, when I came upon something shocking.  I found out that there is, *GASP*, ANOTHER COLIN HILL!

Yes, that's right.  Someone else was using the name Colin Hill.  Some...impostor! Here's his website:

Turns out, he's some kind of photographer.  Well, I couldn't let this besmirching continue. I found he had a video on his sight, so it was there that I made the challenge.

"Two Things…
1. You are not an artist. So knock it off.
2. You are not Colin Hill. I am you name stealing miscreant. How dare you defile my good name. If I must fight you for it, so be it. But I will not allow this besmirching to go on any further!
Colin Hill"

And as it turns out, I had help from an unexpected source....

"To the Colin Hill for whom this website is devoted….
FUCK YOU COLIN! You don’t know me. I’ll mess you up for real man. The truth is out there but my foot is going to be up your ass. In a big way. Think about it! I’ll fight both of you! You think you are cooler than me!!? Who’s cooler than Duchovny?! Nobody! I mean, did you SEE Red Shoes Diary? That shit was off the chain. THE CHAIN. So come to california you bitch. I’ll teach you a lesson in self respect!
Peace and Love.
Big Davey Duchov."

I figured that our combined awesomeness would be enough to scare him off.  Turns out the faker had more balls then I thought.  I awoke this morning to find this email...

"If someone stole MY identity, I'd be MUCH less of a jerk about it. :P"

The gauntlet had been thrown.  I immediately fired back...

"Smiley tongue, eh?  Where I come from, that's a call to arms sir!

You think you can take someones name and get away with it, well you're wrong, horribly wrong.  I'm not to be trifled with.  Have you seen "Every Which Way But Loose", neither have I but I'm sure it was a good movie.  Sorry to get off tangent there, but what I'm trying to say is that I'm dangerous.  I may be a 5'3 Irish kid wit red-hair and scoliosis, but I got moxy, bitch.  Moxy!  I'll fuck your shit up one side of the street and down the other.  You better recognize.

Best Wishes
The real Colin Hill"

Yes I lied about being Irish, I didn't want to scare him too bad, but this "Colin Hill" wanted more...

"Good sir, if I didn't want to start a battle I wouldn't have responded in the first place.

Not to mention that the general consensus is that I'm fictional, so you'd have some trouble with the physical aspect of beating the living shit outta me.

And hey, if you're Irish, we're gonna have problems.  I'm full-on American, but I'm British by origin, and apparently Brits and Irish historically hate one-another or something?

Do you always make rivals out of people you find when googling yourself?"
He wanted a war, he got a war....
"No sir, I do not go around starting feuds with everyone named Colin Hill, I felt it was best to make an exception out of one!

The truth is, I lied.  I do that sometimes.  I'm not 5'3 and Irish, I'm 6'2 and black!  I'm blacker than Wesley Snipes at midnight, I'm straight hood, yo.  You ever seen Boyz n the Hood?   "
Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on in the hood", that's all me baby.  I'm a statistic.  I also know David Duchovny, he was on Red Shoe Diaries, that nigga don't play!

Either way, I demand justice and retribution.  So I offer you this, I give you till midnight tonight to return my name and rights to it back to me, otherwise, you'll have to live with the knowledge that you are using my name without permission.  Can you live with that?  Can you live with that on conscience sir?  We shall see.  The ball is in your court, it's your move, let's hope it's the right one.  Wu-Tang Clan aint nothing to fuck with, and neither am, son.

All the Best Wishes
Colin Hill Version Awesome"

Yeah, I let him know who he was dealing with.  But this son of a bitch just didn't know when to quit.

"You can't be black and named Colin Hill, that goes against all laws of physics!  Colin Hill has to be a skinny crippled white kid.  It's like a law.  I've had my share of skeletal abnormalities, too.  But unlike me, you're a ginger, so obviously you have no soul.

I don't know who David Duchovny is, so you've failed to impress/intimidate me.  Try harder, blaqface Colin.

And hey, what if I'm actually marginally older than you?  Who's using whose name, then? 

Oh and be careful with who you challenge; obviously there's a REASON I show up first when you google the name.  Watch yourself, or else I'll sick two thousand rabid hipsters on your digital ass.  I don't really know what would happen, but it could be pretty horrific."
Oh!  The audacity.  It was time to end this impostor's reign of terror.

"You dare doubt my blackness?  Hahaha.  You don't even know, son.  I voted for Barack Obama, I've seen Friday, I like white women, that's makes me King Blackington.  I spit in the face of your physics!  I'm magical, bitch!  I don't care if you're older, obviously I work the name better, thus making me the one true Colin.  The reason your name shows up first on Google, is that they're saving the best for last!  Word.

And you don't know David Duchovny?  That'll be your undoing sir.  Davey's a BADASS!  He's sex nuts and retard strong.  He'll take his Red Shoe and shove it straight up your candy ass then write it up on his Diary!  He was on X-Files for 10 years, he's got nothing to lose. 

So bring on your hipsters, I got moxy and Big Davey Duchov on my side, We gonna Oscar Wild on you!  You don't want none of that.  When I get through with you, you'll be more obscure than the podcast Instant Leftovers.  You've never heard of Instant leftovers?  Exactly.  That's gonna be you.  For real.

Peace and Love
Colin Hill"

His response....

"Barack Obama ain't black, he's caramel at best, your argument is invalid.
I would hope you like white women, because white or black, if you didn't you'd be a fag.

Obviously if I haven't heard of this Duchovny dude, he can't be that badass.  He's not a household name.  He ain't no jesus or hitler or Mr. T or ANYTHING even WORTH knowing, apparently. And x-files can suck it, sorry.

I've heard of Instant Leftovers, dude.  I'm a fucking hipster, I specialize in obscure internet shit.  Of course I have no idea what it actually is, but I can say I've definitely heard of it."
It was clear that at this point I had him on the ropes, it was time to deliver the finishing move....
"Barack may be caramel, but I'm double chocolate mocha late!  And obviously you can't be a hipster if you haven't heard of Big Davey Duchov.  He invented hipsters!  But this isn't about David, it's about Colin Hill, and how I'm the only one. 

You still have time, you can make the right choice return my name to me.  If not, then I will sick Albert Wiltfong on your ass.  If you're half the hipster you claim to be, then surely you've heard of Albert Wiltfong.  That's right, I got connections dawg.  And if ya' don't know, now you know.

Happy Valentines Day
Colin Hill"

Yeah.  I named dropped Al Wiltfong.  What?

Finally, at around 9:45....VICTORY!!!!

"Godfuckingdamnit Colin, I can't compete with this shit.
I have no experience with smack.
Nobody's ever confronted me like this.
I can't concede to you exclusive rights to my name, though!  
I usually go by just "Colin H." though.
You could take the full "Colin Hill" if I can keep "Colin H."
How's that sound?"
VICTORY IS MINE!  I am now the one true Colin Hill!  The grand-fuckin-puba!  With his defeat, I have shown that no one can steal my name and get away with it.  So let this be a warning to all those other Colin Hill wannabes.  You want the name, you gotta go through me, and Big Davey Duchov.....


Not the End

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

One Moore I Am An Avenger

I couldn't help me-self...

I Am An Avenger continued

Here's two more for ya...



I Am An Avenger

I was bored.  I had Aviary.  I went crazy...I blame all of you for this....





Friday, February 5, 2010

I dunno

I'm not going mad.  On the contrary, I think I've achieved a level of super sanity.  It's all clear to me know.  I see the future, it bright....and shitty.  And I think there's a Moose.  The walls are talking to me, they tell me that I should kill Jimmy Fallon, I don't know why, but I'll take it under consideration.

THAT FUCKING TOASTER IS A RACIST!  Everyday it continues to spew it's hateful propaganda against Mexicans, Gays, and Arabs.  Nobody else can hear it, I can, because I've been there man.  I've seen it....I've seen the Fog.

I don't trust the toilet anymore.  It's ego has gotten out of control.  It claims to have a natural control over man.  It wants to own us.  That porcelain bastard doesn't see that the human spirit is stronger.  We will dig holes and shit in them with pride, no more will the sons of bitches rule out lives. 

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?  That's what the man in my closet has been asking me.  I don't know what it means, but I've named the man Scooter.

I see people walk around so blissfully, unaware that it's only a matter of time before the Squirrels will wipe us out, thus making way for the New Rodent Order.  Well, me and Jonathan Taylor Thomas have something to say about that.

I'm not crazy, I'm just....awake.

.....Christ, I need a life.

Not the End

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Computer Viruses Suck

I know that's an understatement, but they really do.  My computer just got hit with a real nasty one and I just spent the past couple of hours a nervous wreck trying to resolve it.  I did a System Restore and everything seems to be fine now, but I wont be completely secure until I find out what happened.  Right now, I just want sleep.

Not the End

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Turtles Forever Review

I'm a huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan.

I mean, really huge.  Anybody who's known me for more than five minutes can attest to this.  I can't explain exactly why, but Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael have been my favorite characters for as long as I can remember...

 Cute, 'eh?

My first introduction to the Turtles came, like most people, through the 1987 cartoon series....

I loved it.  To this day it's still my favorite TV show of all time.  It was funny, clever, and had a spectacular voice cast.  It spawned a franchise and hooked kids like crack, I was no exception.  I saw all three movies, I played with the toys, I played the video games, I was in deep.  Shortly after the cancellation of the cartoon, Saban attempted a live action series called Ninja Turtles the Next Mutation....but the less said about that the better.

As I got older I discovered the comic books...

I was surprised how different they were from the cartoon.  This comic was darker, the violence was more realistic, and the characters were deeper and more complex.  Though more mature, the series still had some fun stories and had a certain charm the cartoon didn't.  I loved it.  In 2003 an new TMNT cartoon series debuted....

This series followed the comic more closely, even adapting most of it's stories into episodes, all while creating a world of it's own.  While lacking the same appeal of the old series, this show excelled in action and least for the first 4 seasons.  Finally it ended in 2008. 

Ever since the announcement of the big TMNT 25th Anniversary celebration, Mirage Studios hinted at a big project that was coming.  That project  was later revealed to be an original animated movie.  We fans went crazy with speculation.  Some thought it would be a big finale to the 2003 series, others thought it would be an adaptation of the first issues of the comics, but we were not prepared for what it really was.  This movie would be what fans have been waiting for since 2003.  All the different versions of the TMNT, rolled up into one kick ass package.  Enter...Turtles Forever!

Well, now that we got all the exposition out of the way, we can finally get to the review, which will be spoiler free.

The plot is thus, while trying to stop The Shredder and Krang's latest nefarious plot, the 1987 Ninja Turtles, along with the Technodrome and everyone it in, get's sucked through Krang's Transdimensional Portal and wind up in the universe of the 2003 Ninja Turtles.  The two versions soon meet up and....hilarity ensues.  Meanwhile, The Shredder and Krang decide to seek out the 2003 universe's Shredder, which soon proves to be a mistake as he kicks their asses and takes over the Technodrome, vowing to destroy all Ninja Turtle life, starting with the source, the original 1984 comic book TMNT.

Let me say this right now....I fucking love this movie.  This movie hit all the right the notes for me, for evey Turtles fan.  For the first time, 4Kids did something right.  They took everything the fans love about the franchise and threw it into this movie.  It's clear they actually put care and effort into this.

The story, while not completely original, is still gripping and fun.  It may be somewhat predictable, but it's never dull.  The writing is, dare I say, actually funny.  Legitimately funny.  And not just in a kiddie, poop and fart joke kind of way, but a truly well scripted and clever sort of way.  The humor comes from the vastly conflicting styles of both teams of Turtles.  The 2003 Turtles are essentially the "straight men" while the 1987 Turtles are the goofy ones, a little too goofy at times, but nothing polarizing.  They joke around, they rarely take anything seriously, and, as expected, they obsess over pizza.  The 2003 Turtles, meanwhile, have to put up with their antics.  There are tons of inside jokes for the fans here, Donatello's nonsensical inventions that somehow work, Raphael's habit of breaking the fourth wall, April constantly needing saving,  Shredder's incompetence, every little thing is touched upon here and made fun of, but with love rather than spite.  It's basically a roast of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Granted there's more fun being poked at the old cartoon, but really there's just more to make fun of there.  And like I said, it's nothing harsh, it's all done with love.  The reactions of the 2003 Turtles to all the ridiculousness are just truly priceless.

All the main characters are here.  The Turtles Splinter, April, Casey, Shredder, Karai, and Hun from the 2003 series and The Turtles, Splinter, April, Shredder, Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady from the 1987 series, also some surprise cameos from other bit players int he show.  Everyone is pretty much in character, including the 87 Turtle characters, their personalities are in full display here(even down to Leonardo's lack of a personality) which is very comforting to see.  Plus the design of the 87 characters are spot on, looking like they came right out of the show.  And they somehow manged to keep their designs from the clashing with the 2003 designs.  Nothing feels out of place, truly great work on the artists part.

My favorite part  without a doubt is when the 8 Turtles meet up with the Mirage Comics Turtles, referred to here as Turtle Prime.  When they come onto the scene, it's just pure win.  True to the original incarnations, these Turtles are darker, violent, spout ridiculous Frank Miller-ish lines of dialogue, and narrate while fighting.  It's hard to keep a straight a face, they're completely the original TMNT to a tee.  And true to the comics, the Turtle Prime world is in black and white.  It looks so perfect it makes me wish they did do an adaption of the original comics.

The voice acting has been a much talked about issue about this movie, and brings up my only real gripe with it.  While the cast from the 2003 series returns, the 1987 series don't reprise their roles here.  Due to all those voice actors being union actors, 4Kids didn't deal with them, instead bringing in new people to mimic their voices.  While not horrible, Raphael and April's are near perfect in fact, they still not the originals, which his kinda sad because it keeps this movie from being truly perfect.  It would have been such a treat to hear Cam Clarke, Townsend Coleman, Barry Gordon, Rob Paulsen, Rene Jacobs, Pat Fraley, Peter Renaday, and James "Uncle Phil" Avery resume their famous roles one more time.  Still, while noticeable, it still doesn't detract from how awesome this movie is.

The animation is in top form here, it's better than it's ever been before, and it's nice to see the 87 Turtles in an actual, non choppy, fight scene.  They actually move normally, it's so refreshing.  The fight scenes are back to that same great caliber as those of the  2003 series' first five seasons.  The art design is also in top form here as the three major worlds of the TMNT are recreated here in stunning detail.

It was announced a few months ago that Peter Laird has sold all intellectual rights to the TMNT to Viacom, so last year marked the end of the Mirage era of TMNT.  25 years, and I've fortunately been alive for 21 of them, and this movie was the perfect swan song.  Everything is touched upon here, except Next Mutation.  It was more than any TMNT fan could hope for.  On top of that it's just a fun movie.  The story is simple, but effective, the writing is funny, the animation is great, it just hits on all the right levels.  Every TMNT will love this, you feel like a kid again after seeing it, I know I had to restrain myself from yelling "Cowabunga" after it was over.  This movie pretty much marks the Turtles of our generation, and while sad, it's comforting to know that the TMNT will be introduced to a whole new generation, thus beginning the cycle anew.  It's like the title said, the Turtles are forever.  The characters have so much appeal, and this movie makes it all the more obvious.

I'm giving this movie a 9 1/2 out of 10.  The voice acting is the only thing keeping this movie from being perfect.  However, the five year old kid in me who ate, slept, and breathed Ninja Turtles gives this movie a perfect 10.  I thank everyone involved with this movie for truly epic experience and I thank Kevin Eastman, Peter Laird, and everyone involved creatively with the TMNT for the past 25 years for everything.  It was a shell of a good ride and this movie was the perfect way to close it out.  It's my new favorite movie of all time.

Turtle Power

Saturday, January 23, 2010


So today I'm scoping out Twitter, and I happen to see a post by Jonathan Coulton(@jonathancoulton), showing a picture of him and Adam Savage from Mythbusters.  At first I think the pic is cool, but then I noticed something....


My signature pose, the one that's brought me untold fame and fortune.  Observe...



Now you may be saying, "hey it's not the same, he's doing a thumbs up instead of a point", but to you I say...SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!  That's besides the point.  It's the principle of the thing, clearly he's trying to cover his tracks.  Well, I refuse to let him get away with this.


Not the End, not by a long shot.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Riding in a Car with Riding in Cars with Boys

I really posted this earlier, but I'm lazy, so it can't be helped.

Saturday a couple of friends of mine whom I know from FRED (htto:// by the names of Mike and Kasey came in to LA and, for whatever reason, wanted to take a poor black child from the ghetto and show him a city of dreams.

Okay not really, but we hung out for the day.  It was really cool.  We hit up a couple of comic book stores because we're geeks and as geeks we're legally obligated to do so.  Went to Meltdown comics for the first time, it was interesting.  I got to see a lot of cool shit I can't afford right now.  I also took them to one of the best Chilli places of all time, and as expected, I think I got them hooked.

On the way back from Meltdown is where it got interesting.  We had a fun hour or two hour drive trying to find the 10 freeway.  We ended up getting to see more of LA than I thought, though not intentionally.  But while we were driving around aimlessly we recorded and episode of Riding in Cars with Boys  (Mike and Kasey's podcast) that can be found here:

All in all, I had a really fun time, I hope we can hang out again, only this time with a better sense of were we're going.

Ahh the memories

Oh, and we saw Nick Carter, later I found out he isn't the one who beat Shaq.  Go figure.

Not the End

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Really Marvel?

This article on Newsarama really surprised me.

To sum it up, Marvel wants comic book dealers to take all their unsold copies of these six DC comics...

Adventure Comics #4
Booster Gold #26
Doom Patrol #4
Justice League Of America #39
Outsiders #24.
R.E.B.E.L.S #10

rip off the covers and send them into them.  For every 50 they get they'll send the stores 1 copy of Siege #3 with a Deadpool variant cover.

I just got ask, why Marvel?  Are they really desperate?  It should be worth noting that the issues listed above were tie-ins to DC's big event "Blackest Night", and each came with a different replica power ring.  Marvel must really be scared of Blackest Night.  Granted, from a business stand-point, it's smart.  But at the same time, also sad.  Do they have that much lack of faith in their even that they have to resort to ripping apart issues of the competition's books to sell their stories?  And besides, didn't they learn their lesson about variant covers back in the 90's? 

I'm not trying to be a Marvel hater, but this act kinda shows that DC might have their number.  All DC needs is better exposure and they could start topping Marvel in the sales, they've done it before. 

Not the End, True Believers

You know what I'm thinkin' of right now.....

Tacos Rule.

Not the End

The Squirrel Agenda

As promised, here is my continuation of my expose against our future furry oppresors.

The Squirrels have long sought the total destruction of the human race, but have been smart about it.  Squirrels abhor human technology, instead prefering thier own, seemingly primitive technological advances that is based around nuts.  Yes, common nuts you'd fin on trees, Squirrels have developed everything from high powered death rays to super computers to toaster ovens using the common nut.

George Washington Carver, one of our nations very first Squirrel oposers, was long considered an enemy to their Republic.Carver was the master of the peanut, and nothing disgusts a Squirrel more than the peanut, or "the stale imitation" as we managed to decipher that they refer to it as.  History has forgotten Carver's battles with the furry ones.  He developed 100 different peanut of which was a atomic disruptor that liquefied anything in seconds, to which he named "The Business".  He, alongside Nikolai Tesla and his experimental robotic battle armor, battled against a battalion of American Red Squirrel shock troops alongside the Canadian border in an attempt to shut down one of their main power plants.  The two men alone managed to exterminate some 562 Squirrel soldiers and destroy the plant, forcing their retreat.  The squirrel's defeat would not go unavenged however.  Years later Carver would suffer a "bad fall" that ultimately claimed his life.  Later investigations revealed a set of mall, dirty paw prints near the stairs and a note left behind that, when translated, read "We Never Forget".

Carver and Tesla were not the only ones to stand against the evils and atrocities of the Furry Reich.  They were part of a top secret organization dedicated to opposing the Squirrel's rise to power known only as N.O.R.M (Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood).  Needless to say, beyond that I can't reveal anymore.  But I can say that this group stretches all over the world, but the group's focus remains strongly in America, where the Squirrel's power is greatest.

Next time: I shall go in-depth with the different factions of the Squirrel Republic.

Not the End

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Your Boy Was on a Podcast!

So last night I guest hosted a podcast called Instant Leftovers with a couple of pals of mine Scott White (@Scott_WhiteAhh on Twitter) and Ramon Villalobos(@RamonVillalobos on Twitter).  I gotta say it was fun.  Much was discussed, including donuts, comics, and I explain why all black people are good at basketball.

Look for it soon here:

Not the End

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

My Top 10 Favorite Films of 2009

Yeah I'm doing one.

Before I get into it, let me get the Honorable Mentions out of the way.  I loved these flicks, but they just didn't make the cut:

Green Lantern First Flight, Observe and Report, Sherlock Homes, Avatar, and Inglorious Basterds

10. Paranormal Activity

I believed everything about this movie.  Nothing felt fake, or forced, I was genuinely terrified.  I could feel myself tense up at all the right parts, very well put together.   I would dare say it's my favorite horror film of all time, mainly because it focuses on the horror.

9 Superman/Batman Public Enemies

I'm a big fan of the Superman/Batman dynamic, I thought it was really utilized well here.  I felt the film was better than the book, and made more sense.  Aside from some complaints about the animation and the waste of Levar Burton's talent, I still felt this movie got it right.  Plus it's always great to hear Tim Daly, Clancy Brown, and Kevin Conroyback in their respective roles/

8. District 9

This was such an amazing movie.  In terms of filmaking, this is probably the best film on my list.  It's well acted, it's got a strong message, and the action scenes are just badass.  I really hope this flick gets a Best Picture nod.  Hell, I hope it wins.

7. Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea

I love Miyazaki.  So it's no surprise I loved this flick.  It was sweet, had a great story, the animaton is absolutely beautiful.  I can't find anything wrong with it.  It's standard Miyzaki, it's epic.  I'm still hesitent to call it the best animated movieof the year, but it's the best one I've seen.

6. Wonder Woman

As amazing as Ponyo was, I still really love Wonder Woman a little more.  Being a comic geek it's no surprise I dig this movie, but I also dig it as an animation fan.  It's got a great, simple story that does an excellent job at introducing Wonder Woman and her supporting cast, it's got great voice acting, great animation, and it's genuinely funny when it wants to be.  Why Warner Bros didn't do this for live action I'll never know.

5. Zombieland

I had a blast with this movie.  I dare say I loved this more than Shaun of the Dead.  I really dug the cast, Woody Harrelson was just epic.  He killed everytime he was on screen.  It was funny, surprisingly heartwarming, and possibly the greatest cameo appearence since Neil Patrick Harris in Harold and Kumar.

4. The Hangover

I loved this movie.  I went to see it twice and it held up perfectly both times.  I'm a big fan of Zach Galifinakis' stand up and he was just as hillarious here.  He, Bradely Cooper, and Ed Helmes had perfect chemistry, they played off each other so well.  I loved the writting, it wasn't hackneyed it was very clever and grounded, I can't pick a favorite moment becuase this flick had so many great ones.

3. Black Dynamite

This movie surpassed Hangover as my favorite comedy of the year.  I quote this movie every day, I nearly died laughing.  For Michael Jai White, this movie instantly washes away all the fail from Spawn, he was perfect.  This movie was a great parody, but it was also a great movie in it;s own right.  I knew exactly what it was and it delivered everything I was expecting from it.

2. Star Trek

I have no complaints about this movie.  It had a spectacular cast, with special nods to Chris Pine, Zach Quinto, Simon Pegg, and Karl Urban, great dialogue, it cut away all the boring technobabble and got down to what made the original series fun.  This movie did a great job of rebooting the franchise, not mucking up the original continuity, and made it work.  This movie was my favorite of the year, until this movie came out....

1. Turtles Forever

This is the best Ninja Turtles movie ever of all times, for realz.  It was everything I could have hoped for.  It had a good story, it was funny, genuinely funny.  Nothing was forced, just the interactions of all the different TMNT incarnations was classic.  The animation was in top form here, the expressions and movements and fight scenes just looked incredible.  It was great to see the old cartoon Turtles again, and while I was disapointed that they didn't use the original VA's and the sillyness was overdone a bit, I still loved seeing them.  I'll do a full review of this later on, but words can't express how happy this movie made me.  I'm still grinning with joy over seeing it.  Cowa-fucking-bunga!

Movies I've still yet to see that I feel i should: Extract, Princess and the frog, Up, Up in the Air, The Men Who Stare at Goats, Ninja Assassin

Not the End

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Sherlock Holmes Review

Greetings Non-Believers

Stuff came up last night so I didn't a chance to do this last night, but whatever.

Last night I saw Sherlock Holmes.  When I first saw the trailer for this I thought it looked awful.  I thought it would be nothing but over the top explosions and rampant womanizing.  But the months leading up to it my opinion began to change.  After seeing it, I'm pleased to say that I had a blast watching it.

I'm not going to give away any spoilers, but I will say the story kept me hooked.  It felt a little James Bond-ish at times, but that's what made it fun to watch.  I also really enjoyed the way the portrayed Holmes' unorthodox methods and keen analytical skills.  Having him plan out every one of his opponents moves and his counter attack in mere seconds.  There's rarely a slow moment, and that's thanks to RDJ and Jude Law.

Both Downey Jr. and Law make not only an excellent Holmes and Watson, but an excellent comedic duo.  The banter between the Watson (the dry-witted straight man) and Holmes (the quirky and enigmatic one) was the best part of the movie.  RDJ in particular really owned the screen.  His preformence reminded me a lot of Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow, and just made me want to see the two of them together headlining a movie more and more.  Also Mark Strong really did a good job as Lord Blackwood.  He was very dark and intimidating, made for a great villain.

I don't have any major complaints.  At times it felt to Bond-ish and they could have toned down the action a little more.  But like I said, not a major complaint.

My dad is a hardcore Holmes fan, and he refuses to give this movie a chance.  I haven't read the novels so I can say whether or not it was truly faithful.  But I enjoyed the hell out of it.  I'd say go see it if you want.  Or not, I don't control your life.  Though it would be awesome if I did, because I'd make you do really weird shit.

Not the End

Monday, January 4, 2010

Going to see Sherlock Holmes Tonight

I'll do a review later tonight.  If I forget, please badger the hell out of me till I do it.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

All is not right with FRED

Anyone familiar with Quickstop Entertainment dot com now most likely know that it is no more.  Kevin Smith recently pulled out of it and handed the reigns over to long time Editor-in-Chief Ken Plume, who has gone on to rename the site, FRED (catchy right?).  Nothing much is gonna change, except now without SModcast, the site's major source of traffic is gone. 

Ever since the change there's been concerns expressed by regulars on the forums.  With the new change comes new rules for the forums, trying to make it more accessible for newcomers as a way to draw in more people.  A few of the regulars are concerned that this could essentially mean the end of the tight-knit community the forums have become over the past seven years.

I just want to say to everyone concerned right now to calm down.  Just because there are a few new rules doesn't mean the end.  Just because we'll be getting newcomers doesn't mean the social club will be destroyed. Over on the Adult Swim message boards we're getting new members every few days.  It's a constantly growing community.  Yet there are still groups of regulars who still socialize like normal.  Yeah there are douchebags, but they come and go.  The old guard still stands strong.

Look, from the short time I've been on the former QSE boards, I've seen that everyone there is close, real close, like a family.  If they're concerned about newbies coming in and fucking up the way things work there, they shouldn't be.  So many new people have come by and became great regulars.  Any trolls that wander by will get beat with ban stick, and now we'll get less people registering just to talk to Kevin Smith and wanna avoid paying the fee to join viewaskew.  Nothing has to change if you don't want it to.

The only major change in the site is the name now.  Everyone will still be there, the old guard will still stand.  The cool newbies will be weeded out from the trolls and spamers, and the sun will still rise in the morning.  Just relax and go with the flow.  And if things do go bad, I'll provide the pitchforks and torches.

Not the End 

Friday, January 1, 2010

I Think I Need to Trade in My X-Box 360

I got it last June, I was really psyched about it, as you can tell from my reaction...

But lately I've been regretting my decision. I lost my job a while back, so now I can't afford the subscription fee to X-Box Live anymore, not that I was using it much anyway. I'm not really fond of shooter games and the 360 doesn't really offer up any other choices.

The PS3 on the other had has been looking better and better every day. I've really wanted to play the Ratchet and Clank series for a long time now, it looks like exactly my type of game. I've heard Uncharted 2 was awesome, and DC Universe Online looks like it'll be great, plus I'm a huge DC fan.
Plus the online paly is free, and of course the built-in blu-ray player just sweetens the deal. The only two games I really play on the 360 are Street Fighter 4 and Batman: Arkham Asylum, which are both on the PS3 too.

I'm gonna try to trade my 360 in soon, but I know I'm not gonna get enough to cover the full price of the PS3. But any little bit helps.

Not The End


Try not to screw up in '10.