Colin Hill vs Colin Hill: The Unbelieveable Battle

So last night I, and a few other members of the Skype Club 4 Men, were Googling ourselves, when I came upon something shocking.  I found out that there is, *GASP*, ANOTHER COLIN HILL!

Yes, that's right.  Someone else was using the name Colin Hill.  Some...impostor! Here's his website: http://colin.vg/

Turns out, he's some kind of photographer.  Well, I couldn't let this besmirching continue. I found he had a video on his sight, so it was there that I made the challenge.

"Two Things…
1. You are not an artist. So knock it off.
2. You are not Colin Hill. I am you name stealing miscreant. How dare you defile my good name. If I must fight you for it, so be it. But I will not allow this besmirching to go on any further!
Love
Colin Hill"

And as it turns out, I had help from an unexpected source....

"To the Colin Hill for whom this website is devoted….
FUCK YOU COLIN! You don’t know me. I’ll mess you up for real man. The truth is out there but my foot is going to be up your ass. In a big way. Think about it! I’ll fight both of you! You think you are cooler than me!!? Who’s cooler than Duchovny?! Nobody! I mean, did you SEE Red Shoes Diary? That shit was off the chain. THE CHAIN. So come to california you bitch. I’ll teach you a lesson in self respect!
Peace and Love.
Big Davey Duchov."

I figured that our combined awesomeness would be enough to scare him off.  Turns out the faker had more balls then I thought.  I awoke this morning to find this email...

"If someone stole MY identity, I'd be MUCH less of a jerk about it. :P"

The gauntlet had been thrown.  I immediately fired back...

"Smiley tongue, eh?  Where I come from, that's a call to arms sir!

You think you can take someones name and get away with it, well you're wrong, horribly wrong.  I'm not to be trifled with.  Have you seen "Every Which Way But Loose", neither have I but I'm sure it was a good movie.  Sorry to get off tangent there, but what I'm trying to say is that I'm dangerous.  I may be a 5'3 Irish kid wit red-hair and scoliosis, but I got moxy, bitch.  Moxy!  I'll fuck your shit up one side of the street and down the other.  You better recognize.

Best Wishes
The real Colin Hill"

Yes I lied about being Irish, I didn't want to scare him too bad, but this "Colin Hill" wanted more...

"Good sir, if I didn't want to start a battle I wouldn't have responded in the first place.

Not to mention that the general consensus is that I'm fictional, so you'd have some trouble with the physical aspect of beating the living shit outta me.

And hey, if you're Irish, we're gonna have problems.  I'm full-on American, but I'm British by origin, and apparently Brits and Irish historically hate one-another or something?

Do you always make rivals out of people you find when googling yourself?"

He wanted a war, he got a war....

"No sir, I do not go around starting feuds with everyone named Colin Hill, I felt it was best to make an exception out of one!

The truth is, I lied.  I do that sometimes.  I'm not 5'3 and Irish, I'm 6'2 and black!  I'm blacker than Wesley Snipes at midnight, I'm straight hood, yo.  You ever seen Boyz n the Hood?   "Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on in the hood", that's all me baby.  I'm a statistic.  I also know David Duchovny, he was on Red Shoe Diaries, that nigga don't play!

Either way, I demand justice and retribution.  So I offer you this, I give you till midnight tonight to return my name and rights to it back to me, otherwise, you'll have to live with the knowledge that you are using my name without permission.  Can you live with that?  Can you live with that on conscience sir?  We shall see.  The ball is in your court, it's your move, let's hope it's the right one.  Wu-Tang Clan aint nothing to fuck with, and neither am, son.

All the Best Wishes
Colin Hill Version Awesome"

Yeah, I let him know who he was dealing with.  But this son of a bitch just didn't know when to quit.

"You can't be black and named Colin Hill, that goes against all laws of physics!  Colin Hill has to be a skinny crippled white kid.  It's like a law.  I've had my share of skeletal abnormalities, too.  But unlike me, you're a ginger, so obviously you have no soul.

I don't know who David Duchovny is, so you've failed to impress/intimidate me.  Try harder, blaqface Colin.

And hey, what if I'm actually marginally older than you?  Who's using whose name, then? 

Oh and be careful with who you challenge; obviously there's a REASON I show up first when you google the name.  Watch yourself, or else I'll sick two thousand rabid hipsters on your digital ass.  I don't really know what would happen, but it could be pretty horrific."

Oh!  The audacity.  It was time to end this impostor's reign of terror.

"You dare doubt my blackness?  Hahaha.  You don't even know, son.  I voted for Barack Obama, I've seen Friday, I like white women, that's makes me King Blackington.  I spit in the face of your physics!  I'm magical, bitch!  I don't care if you're older, obviously I work the name better, thus making me the one true Colin.  The reason your name shows up first on Google, is that they're saving the best for last!  Word.

And you don't know David Duchovny?  That'll be your undoing sir.  Davey's a BADASS!  He's sex nuts and retard strong.  He'll take his Red Shoe and shove it straight up your candy ass then write it up on his Diary!  He was on X-Files for 10 years, he's got nothing to lose. 

So bring on your hipsters, I got moxy and Big Davey Duchov on my side, We gonna Oscar Wild on you!  You don't want none of that.  When I get through with you, you'll be more obscure than the podcast Instant Leftovers.  You've never heard of Instant leftovers?  Exactly.  That's gonna be you.  For real.

Peace and Love
Colin Hill"

His response....

"Barack Obama ain't black, he's caramel at best, your argument is invalid.

I would hope you like white women, because white or black, if you didn't you'd be a fag.

Obviously if I haven't heard of this Duchovny dude, he can't be that badass.  He's not a household name.  He ain't no jesus or hitler or Mr. T or ANYTHING even WORTH knowing, apparently. And x-files can suck it, sorry.

I've heard of Instant Leftovers, dude.  I'm a fucking hipster, I specialize in obscure internet shit.  Of course I have no idea what it actually is, but I can say I've definitely heard of it."

It was clear that at this point I had him on the ropes, it was time to deliver the finishing move....

"Barack may be caramel, but I'm double chocolate mocha late!  And obviously you can't be a hipster if you haven't heard of Big Davey Duchov.  He invented hipsters!  But this isn't about David, it's about Colin Hill, and how I'm the only one. 

You still have time, you can make the right choice return my name to me.  If not, then I will sick Albert Wiltfong on your ass.  If you're half the hipster you claim to be, then surely you've heard of Albert Wiltfong.  That's right, I got connections dawg.  And if ya' don't know, now you know.

Happy Valentines Day
Colin Hill"

Yeah.  I named dropped Al Wiltfong.  What?


Finally, at around 9:45....VICTORY!!!!

"Godfuckingdamnit Colin, I can't compete with this shit.

I have no experience with smack.

Nobody's ever confronted me like this.

I can't concede to you exclusive rights to my name, though!  

I usually go by just "Colin H." though.

You could take the full "Colin Hill" if I can keep "Colin H."

How's that sound?"

VICTORY IS MINE!  I am now the one true Colin Hill!  The grand-fuckin-puba!  With his defeat, I have shown that no one can steal my name and get away with it.  So let this be a warning to all those other Colin Hill wannabes.  You want the name, you gotta go through me, and Big Davey Duchov.....

 

Not the End