Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Squirrel Dossier

The squirrels are a numerous race.  Those little Hitlers come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and it's important to be able to tell one from the other, a failure to do that could result in us losing this centuries-old war.  Through painstaking methods and a loss of several young interns, I, along with other members of NORM (Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood), have compiled a complete dossier on the different types of squirrels.  What they look like, their strengths, etc.  Below is a sample of what we know, I can't risk putting it all online, they have eyes and ears here too.

EASTERN GREY: These are one of the most common types.  They're mostly stationed in the US, but several battalions have branched out to Britain and Ireland, displacing the Reds (who we'll get to in a minute).  The Grey Squirrels are "scatter-hoarders".  Meaning they scatter through human cities and towns, kill without mercy, and take any goods they can get their evil little paws on.  The Greys are excellent trackers and survival specialists.  They can survive even behind enemy lines with ease in order to complete their missions.  These squirrels tend to nest in high trees, couple this with their proficient marksmanship makes them effective snipers.  The Greys fuck like jack rabbits, breeding multiple times a year, making their numbers grand.  The Greys have sometimes lost parts of their tails while escaping predators, but unbeknown to the predators the Greys have be known to attach micro-explosive devices to their tails, leaving behind an very explosive surprise to their would-be hunters.

EURASIAN RED: The squirrels weren't always united.  During the 1970's the Red Squirrels, who had controlled most of Europe, had attempted a hostile takeover of the Squirrel Armada.  NORM agents at the time attempted to use this civil unrest to strike at the black hearts of the squirrels, but before they could, the Greys had been dispatched to quell the traitorous Reds.  The Reds who wouldn't surrender were executed.  The ones that did were mostly forced underground.  Today, most of the Reds serve as the science officers and engineers.  Few are in the field as they're continuously out-preformed by the physically superior Greys.  There have been rumors of a second Red-uprising, futher investigation is needed.

BLACK: Think of them as the covert-ops or ninjas of the Squirrel Armada.  They have no names.  Their base of operation is unknown.  What is known is that these mother fuckers don't dick around.  Their methods are secretive, and horrible.  If you see one, you may already be dead.  No further information.

This photo was taken by the only known survivor of a Black Squirrel attack

FLYING: You all remember Rocky the Flying Squirrel.  The cute sidekick to Bullwinkle the Moose that captured our hearts as he unwittingly foiled Russian spies?  Yeah him....HE WAS A MURDEROUS BASTARD!  He was never loyal to this country, he was a cold blooded insurgent.  Even Bullwinkle was a lie.  he was nothing more than a mechanized moose-bot piloted by a squirrel, and RED squirrel no less.  The flying squirrels are the terrors of the sky.  The strike only once, and they make sure that nothing is left standing after their assault.  They're an arrogant bunch, and they have the skills to back it up.  They're unique wing wing structure make them highly maneuverable in the air and their appetite for human blood make them highly dangerous.  Contrary to popular belief, these squirrels can actually fly.  The gliding myth was started by them to not raise suspicion.  They love the element of surprise.

ALPINE MARMOT: Or as they're known among the Armada, The Alpha Marmots.  These guys are the heads of the Armada.  As the largest, they dominate over the others.  They call the shots, their word is law.  Also, they're fat shits who haven't seen their dicks in ages, as result, they're often cranky and use the Reds and Greys to do physical work for them.  The Alpha Marmots are at the top of the NORM hit list.  Thaking them down would severely weaken the Armada.  New information dictates the possible existence of a higher group of marmots, the "Grizzled Giants", who really call the shots, but we have little information to confirm or deny those rumors.  

So there you have it, what you basically need to know about these furry fascists.  Remember, this information is very sensitive, so please refrain from.....wait.....oh god how did they get in.......NO......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO........

Not the End

1 comment:

  1. You are now immediately and permanently my favorite person ever.