Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tommy Tucker: Fashion Icon, Covert Insurgent

A friend of mine recently brought THIS to my attention.

This is a very brief article about Tommy Tucker.  For those of you that are uninformed, Tommy Tucker was a....squirrel...who was adopted by a woman in Washington DC in the 1940's.  He was considered part of the family and taken around town dressed up in cute little outfits.

This article disgusts me!  Not only does it paint Tucker as a cute little woodland critter, but it completely glosses over his true history.

Tommy, or as he's really known Juan Marquez Esperano, was one of the greatest insurgents in the Squirrel Armada.  He was like a Chameleon(who are pretty shifty themselves), he could assimilate into any environment and you wouldn't know he was an enemy till it was too late.  He was ruthless, never made attachments, there was something about him that made you trust him, and he used that fully to his advantage.

The woman who adopted Tommy had unwittingly played into the Squirrels grand scheem.  For years the fashion world of the humans had been a mystery to the Squirrel Armada, and they longed to harness it's power and influence.  They needed it's secrets and Tommy was deployed into Washington DC in an attempt to infiltrate the fashion world.  Now, why Washington DC and not somewhere like Paris.  Paris would have been too obvious, they needed to play this carefully.  And at the time growing tension with the Red Squirrels made this difficult.

Normally if anyone tried to dress Tommy up in cute little outfits, he'd slit their throats and wear their skin as pants, but for the good of the mission, he threw dignity out the window and went along with it.  In doing show, Tommy became a hit.  His new status as a fashion icon allowed him access into the mysterious world the squirrels had long sought to discover.  He worked his way into the hierarchy of the French fashion world.  Here he learned the secrets of design and flare.  With this new information, he returned to the Armada and shared it with his brethren.  Now having the information they needed, the Alpha Marmots deployed a squadron of Black Squirrels, who proceeded to silently slaughter every famous Fashion designer in the Paris.  They were soon replaced with mechanical duplicates piloted by Grey Squirrels who now had full grasp of human fashion.

Sad to say that because of Tommy/Juan's actions, the Squirrels now control 64% of the fashion industry today.  And as for the kind woman who took Tommy in, well, as a thank you for the hospitality he personally snapped her neck as she slept.  She never felt a thing, and neither did he.  Damn you Tommy Tucker.  Damn you to Hell.

Not the End

No comments:

Post a Comment