Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tommy Tucker: Fashion Icon, Covert Insurgent

A friend of mine recently brought THIS to my attention.

This is a very brief article about Tommy Tucker.  For those of you that are uninformed, Tommy Tucker was a....squirrel...who was adopted by a woman in Washington DC in the 1940's.  He was considered part of the family and taken around town dressed up in cute little outfits.

This article disgusts me!  Not only does it paint Tucker as a cute little woodland critter, but it completely glosses over his true history.

Tommy, or as he's really known Juan Marquez Esperano, was one of the greatest insurgents in the Squirrel Armada.  He was like a Chameleon(who are pretty shifty themselves), he could assimilate into any environment and you wouldn't know he was an enemy till it was too late.  He was ruthless, never made attachments, there was something about him that made you trust him, and he used that fully to his advantage.

The woman who adopted Tommy had unwittingly played into the Squirrels grand scheem.  For years the fashion world of the humans had been a mystery to the Squirrel Armada, and they longed to harness it's power and influence.  They needed it's secrets and Tommy was deployed into Washington DC in an attempt to infiltrate the fashion world.  Now, why Washington DC and not somewhere like Paris.  Paris would have been too obvious, they needed to play this carefully.  And at the time growing tension with the Red Squirrels made this difficult.

Normally if anyone tried to dress Tommy up in cute little outfits, he'd slit their throats and wear their skin as pants, but for the good of the mission, he threw dignity out the window and went along with it.  In doing show, Tommy became a hit.  His new status as a fashion icon allowed him access into the mysterious world the squirrels had long sought to discover.  He worked his way into the hierarchy of the French fashion world.  Here he learned the secrets of design and flare.  With this new information, he returned to the Armada and shared it with his brethren.  Now having the information they needed, the Alpha Marmots deployed a squadron of Black Squirrels, who proceeded to silently slaughter every famous Fashion designer in the Paris.  They were soon replaced with mechanical duplicates piloted by Grey Squirrels who now had full grasp of human fashion.

Sad to say that because of Tommy/Juan's actions, the Squirrels now control 64% of the fashion industry today.  And as for the kind woman who took Tommy in, well, as a thank you for the hospitality he personally snapped her neck as she slept.  She never felt a thing, and neither did he.  Damn you Tommy Tucker.  Damn you to Hell.

Not the End

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Squirrel Dossier

The squirrels are a numerous race.  Those little Hitlers come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and it's important to be able to tell one from the other, a failure to do that could result in us losing this centuries-old war.  Through painstaking methods and a loss of several young interns, I, along with other members of NORM (Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood), have compiled a complete dossier on the different types of squirrels.  What they look like, their strengths, etc.  Below is a sample of what we know, I can't risk putting it all online, they have eyes and ears here too.

EASTERN GREY: These are one of the most common types.  They're mostly stationed in the US, but several battalions have branched out to Britain and Ireland, displacing the Reds (who we'll get to in a minute).  The Grey Squirrels are "scatter-hoarders".  Meaning they scatter through human cities and towns, kill without mercy, and take any goods they can get their evil little paws on.  The Greys are excellent trackers and survival specialists.  They can survive even behind enemy lines with ease in order to complete their missions.  These squirrels tend to nest in high trees, couple this with their proficient marksmanship makes them effective snipers.  The Greys fuck like jack rabbits, breeding multiple times a year, making their numbers grand.  The Greys have sometimes lost parts of their tails while escaping predators, but unbeknown to the predators the Greys have be known to attach micro-explosive devices to their tails, leaving behind an very explosive surprise to their would-be hunters.

EURASIAN RED: The squirrels weren't always united.  During the 1970's the Red Squirrels, who had controlled most of Europe, had attempted a hostile takeover of the Squirrel Armada.  NORM agents at the time attempted to use this civil unrest to strike at the black hearts of the squirrels, but before they could, the Greys had been dispatched to quell the traitorous Reds.  The Reds who wouldn't surrender were executed.  The ones that did were mostly forced underground.  Today, most of the Reds serve as the science officers and engineers.  Few are in the field as they're continuously out-preformed by the physically superior Greys.  There have been rumors of a second Red-uprising, futher investigation is needed.

BLACK: Think of them as the covert-ops or ninjas of the Squirrel Armada.  They have no names.  Their base of operation is unknown.  What is known is that these mother fuckers don't dick around.  Their methods are secretive, and horrible.  If you see one, you may already be dead.  No further information.

This photo was taken by the only known survivor of a Black Squirrel attack

FLYING: You all remember Rocky the Flying Squirrel.  The cute sidekick to Bullwinkle the Moose that captured our hearts as he unwittingly foiled Russian spies?  Yeah him....HE WAS A MURDEROUS BASTARD!  He was never loyal to this country, he was a cold blooded insurgent.  Even Bullwinkle was a lie.  he was nothing more than a mechanized moose-bot piloted by a squirrel, and RED squirrel no less.  The flying squirrels are the terrors of the sky.  The strike only once, and they make sure that nothing is left standing after their assault.  They're an arrogant bunch, and they have the skills to back it up.  They're unique wing wing structure make them highly maneuverable in the air and their appetite for human blood make them highly dangerous.  Contrary to popular belief, these squirrels can actually fly.  The gliding myth was started by them to not raise suspicion.  They love the element of surprise.

ALPINE MARMOT: Or as they're known among the Armada, The Alpha Marmots.  These guys are the heads of the Armada.  As the largest, they dominate over the others.  They call the shots, their word is law.  Also, they're fat shits who haven't seen their dicks in ages, as result, they're often cranky and use the Reds and Greys to do physical work for them.  The Alpha Marmots are at the top of the NORM hit list.  Thaking them down would severely weaken the Armada.  New information dictates the possible existence of a higher group of marmots, the "Grizzled Giants", who really call the shots, but we have little information to confirm or deny those rumors.  

So there you have it, what you basically need to know about these furry fascists.  Remember, this information is very sensitive, so please refrain from.....wait.....oh god how did they get in.......NO......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO........

Not the End

Friday, March 5, 2010

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths review

Let me start off by saying, I did enjoy this movie. The character designs were good, and all those little cameos and easter eggs were just incredible. As an Aquaman-supporter, I was pleased with his role here.

Having said that, this movie was somewhat of a disappointment. It's not a bad movie, but there's just so much wasted potential here. It's got great fight scenes, but that's all it has going for it. There's absolutely no emotional context in the movie. The villains are too bland and stereotypical. Same with the League, none of them are really utilized all that well. They seem like they're just there, not really contributing much of anything. Same with Earth-2 Luthor. He's only useful for the first 5 minutes of the movie, after that, he's unnecessary. Not once are the JLA even remotely interested that there are alternate universe versions of themselves, all they know is they're there, they're there, they have to go fight them. Owlman does make for a great villain, and he and Superwoman were pretty much the two carrying this flick.

The romance between J'onn and Rose Wilson is forced, abrupt, and meaningless. It's like the Spock/Uhurra thing in Star Trek, and equally as pointless. The voice acting also falls mostly flat here. James Woods and Gina Torres were both gold, as was the dude who did Ultraman. Everyone else is pretty much forgettable. The range from bland to abysmal. The animation is also sub-par here, which is extremely disappointing coming from Bruce Timm. It feels way too stiff and flat, even during the fight scenes at times.

Maybe I hyped it up too much in my mind, but whats wrong with that? Wonder Woman, New Frontier, and Green Lantern have all been pretty damn incredible, and to follow it up with this and Superman/Batman is pretty sad. Like I said, it's not a bad movie, just really underwhelming. It works as a dumb action movie, but with a concept like this it should have been more than that. The Justice Lords two parter in the justice League cartoon worked much better, and this movie should have been that, but bigger. It's worth a check out, but don't expect much. I'd rate it a 6 out of 10.

As for the Spectre short, it was FANTASTIC. Leagues better than the main feature. I really hope they do more of these for other lesser known characters like The Doom Patrol, Blue Beetle, and The Outsiders. I'd give that a 10 out of 10.

Not the End