The Squirrels have long sought the total destruction of the human race, but have been smart about it. Squirrels abhor human technology, instead prefering thier own, seemingly primitive technological advances that is based around nuts. Yes, common nuts you'd fin on trees, Squirrels have developed everything from high powered death rays to super computers to toaster ovens using the common nut.
George Washington Carver, one of our nations very first Squirrel oposers, was long considered an enemy to their Republic.Carver was the master of the peanut, and nothing disgusts a Squirrel more than the peanut, or "the stale imitation" as we managed to decipher that they refer to it as. History has forgotten Carver's battles with the furry ones. He developed 100 different peanut products...one of which was a atomic disruptor that liquefied anything in seconds, to which he named "The Business". He, alongside Nikolai Tesla and his experimental robotic battle armor, battled against a battalion of American Red Squirrel shock troops alongside the Canadian border in an attempt to shut down one of their main power plants. The two men alone managed to exterminate some 562 Squirrel soldiers and destroy the plant, forcing their retreat. The squirrel's defeat would not go unavenged however. Years later Carver would suffer a "bad fall" that ultimately claimed his life. Later investigations revealed a set of mall, dirty paw prints near the stairs and a note left behind that, when translated, read "We Never Forget".
Carver and Tesla were not the only ones to stand against the evils and atrocities of the Furry Reich. They were part of a top secret organization dedicated to opposing the Squirrel's rise to power known only as N.O.R.M (Nations Opposing Rodentia Masterhood). Needless to say, beyond that I can't reveal anymore. But I can say that this group stretches all over the world, but the group's focus remains strongly in America, where the Squirrel's power is greatest.
Next time: I shall go in-depth with the different factions of the Squirrel Republic.
Not the End
I've been sitting here trying to come up with puns on peanuts and frauds...
ReplyDeleteThe best that I came up with were, as follows:
The Maltese Peanut, or The Maltese Legume.
The Loch Ness Legume
The Amityville Peanut
But seriously..."The Business" killed me. I think I woke up my family.
The Loch Ness Legume, I like that one. And the Amityville Peanut has a nice ring to it.
ReplyDeleteI think your humor would translate not just well, but with improvement, to another medium. E.g. this squirrel bit would work as a comic or a short with minimal effort in the translation. And, maybe it's just me, but there's no more straight lines in prose. There're too many obnoxious assholes writing gabbage for shock value for your ideas that are actually decent to be received. But if you introduce the straight line like frames of a comic or credits to a doc, you instantly have your joke back. But, that's just me, take it or leave it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's cool to hear someone know that Tesla existed.